Leading with Agreements Instead Expectations

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Today, I want to talk about a simple distinction that has transformed my approach to relationships.

I am talking about the difference between expectations and agreements.

An expectation is a thought or belief about what should happen.

An agreement is a mutual understanding that has been communicated and accepted by everyone involved.

At the heart of many disputes is a simple, yet profound problem: people believe that their expectations are understood and shared by others without explicit agreement.

Table of Contents

• The Problem

• Why It Matters

  • Personal Impact

  • Leadership Impact

• How to Create Clear Agreements

• Summary

• Thought Provoker

The Problem

Unspoken expectations are relationship killers.

The reality is, most of us have expectations of others in our minds that we never actually communicate. 

Then, when those expectations aren't met, we feel frustrated, disappointed or resentful. This leads to conflict and erodes trust and connection.

We assume others have the same understanding and context that we do. 

So, we think our expectations are obvious. Or we hint at them instead of overtly expressing them. But no one is a mind reader. 

Unexpressed expectations are just thoughts in our heads, not shared agreements. 

This is especially problematic in leadership. When leaders have unspoken expectations of their teams, it leads to confusion, missed deadlines, and poor performance. 

Obviously, it’s challenging to meet expectations you don't know exist.

Why It Matters

Getting expectations out in the open and turning them into clear agreements is crucial for relationship success.

Research shows that couples who openly discuss their expectations have 42% higher relationship satisfaction compared to those that dont.¹ 

And teams that create explicit agreements are 31% more productive.²

Turning our expectations into agreements:

Prevents conflict: Openly discussing expectations prevents misunderstandings and conflicts down the road by getting everyone on the same page upfront.

Strengthens trust: Transparency around expectations fosters trust. When agreements are explicit, we know we can count on others to follow through.

Enables accountability: It's much easier to hold people accountable to clear agreements rather than unspoken expectations. With explicit agreements, everyone knows what they signed up for and can be held to it.

Personal Impact

We often assume our significant others "should" know how we feel or what we need without us having to say it. 

Expressing our needs and wants directly can feel vulnerable, so we often resort to hinting at them instead, which feels safer but leads to frustrations, misunderstandings and unmet expectations.

Learning to communicate our needs explicitly, especially when it feels vulnerable, helps us deepen our connection, allowing us to feel heard, seen and understood.

Leadership Impact

As a leader, focusing on agreements makes accountability so much easier.

Holding team members accountable becomes straightforward because the conversation shifts to the shared agreement, making it less personal and emotionally charged.

Performance conversations are grounded in objective commitments rather than subjective perceptions.

You can give concrete, actionable feedback tied to agreed upon deliverables and behaviors.

Take Action

How to Create Clear Agreements

Make expectations explicit: Overtly express your expectations as requests, not hints or assumptions. Ask others for theirs in return. No mind reading.

Collaboratively discuss: Have an open dialogue to understand each person's needs and wants. Find win-win agreements that work for everyone.

Write it down: Document agreed responsibilities, boundaries, timelines etc. in writing so it's clear and easy to reference. 

Create accountability: Build in ways to check in on agreements and hold each other accountable, like regular reviews. Renegotiate as needed.

Reward alignment: Celebrate and appreciate when agreements are upheld. This positively reinforces the behavior.

Summary

The secret to strong, healthy relationships is transforming unspoken expectations into explicit shared agreements. 

This prevents conflict, strengthens trust, enhances connection and performance, and enables accountability. 

By overtly discussing expectations and documenting clear agreements, we set ourselves and our relationships up for success.

Key Takeaways

– Unspoken expectations lead to resentment and erode connection  

– Explicit agreements prevent conflict and increase trust & performance

– Clear agreements enable straightforward accountability

– Openly discuss expectations and document agreed commitments

Ideas for Action

– Overtly express your expectations as requests 

– Have an open dialogue to find win-win agreements

– Document agreements in writing for clarity

– Create accountability through regular check-ins

– Reward and appreciate when agreements are upheld

Thought Provoker

Remember, by having the courage to openly discuss our needs, wants, and commitments, we invite others to do the same.

And by collaborating to create clear and honest agreements, we lay the foundation for trust, understanding, and shared success in all of our relationships.

With appreciation,
Rey

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References:

1. Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649.

2. Mathieu, J. E., & Rapp, T. L. (2009). Laying the foundation for successful team performance trajectories: The roles of team charters and performance strategies. Journal of Applied Psychology, 94(1), 90-103.