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The High Cost of Perfectionism
How to overcome perfectionism and stop it from wreaking havoc on your life.
Rey Castellanos
February 25, 2024
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Read Time: 4 minutes
I read something troubling recently—perfectionism rates have soared by 33% in the last few decades.1
Perfectionism is often praised as a badge of honor or a virtue, but in reality, it's a huge weight that holds us back from reaching our potential.
Striving for excellence is healthy. But perfectionism takes it too far. It’s an endless pursuit of flawlessness that will never exist and it often sabotages the very success we seek.
Believe me, I struggled with perfectionism for years.
It’s crippling self-criticism and anxiety about even minor mistakes.
I’d set impossibly high standards, obsess over the tiniest of details and constantly compare myself to others who had much more experience than me… even when I was just a beginner.
People used to tell me that I was really good at everything, but the truth was that I avoided trying things where I might fail.
The worst part? Perfectionism wreaked havoc on my mental health and I didn’t even realize it was to blame.
Fortunately, with the help of coaching, I caught onto it years ago.
Learning to overcome perfectionism transformed my life in more ways than I can count and I’ve been fortunate to be able to help many others do the same.
The good news? There are steps we can take to quiet that relentless inner critic, paving the way for more self compassion, joy and fulfillment.
Table of Contents
The Problem
Perfectionism is fueled by an intense fear of failure and a sense of shame over imperfections. It can compel a need to control every detail because even small failures…feel catastrophic.
Your self-worth gets tied to achieving impossibly high standards. And this pressure only grows in alignment with the perceived importance - like a major project for work or school.
But here’s the irony: research shows that perfectionism often leads to more failures. Perfectionists procrastinate, miss deadlines, and avoid taking risks. The extreme risk aversion guarantees mediocrity.2
Perfectionists find it hard to let others help them or to delegate because they think nobody can meet their high standards.
The unrealistically high standards breed constant self-criticism and anxiety about failures – which are inevitable when standards are that extreme.
It becomes an exhausting treadmill where you are never satisfied with performance, no matter how high you achieve, nothing is ever good enough.
The pain bleeds into relationships too.
Holding others to unrealistic standards, perfectionists often come across as impossible to please.
Your normalized harsh inner talk and anxiety over mistakes often makes you difficult to work with or unintentionally critical with others.
This friction strains even the strongest bonds over time.
Children of perfectionists internalize the criticism, anger, and crushing expectations they grow up with, propagating intergenerational trauma.3
Perfectionism’s collateral damage spreads quietly but destructively.
I see so many high performers holding these tendencies like a badge of honor and silently struggling.
Why It Matters
Studies reveal that perfectionists have dramatically higher rates of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders compared to non-perfectionists.1
Perfectionists ruminate endlessly over perceived shortcomings. And over time, this creates psychological distress and dysfunction, leading to less career satisfaction and overall life enjoyment.4
The Personal Impact
The relentless self-judgment fueled by perfectionism can drown happiness, making us blind to our achievement. It becomes difficult to truly appreciate ourselves and others.
It’s vital to develop a sense of identity not tied to unrealistic benchmarks and expectations. With practice and new coping skills, you can quiet the self-doubt and build stronger self-esteem for a happier and more fulfilling life.
Leadership Impact
Perfectionist leaders paralyze teams with impossible standards. They don’t delegate well out of fear because they believe no one else can measure up. Workers feel micromanaged, stifled and scared of failure under all that criticism. Morale and innovation plummet.
But research shows the most successful professionals adopt a “done is better than perfect” mindset.4 They know progress outweighs perfection. Companies that build psychologically safe workplaces also outperform those plagued by perfectionism.5
"Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame."
Take Action
How to Spot & Overcome Perfectionist Tendencies
How can you tell if perfectionistic tendencies are hurting more than helping you? Here are some common behaviors:
Agonizing over simple details
Endlessly editing and revising a finished report
Having trouble starting tasks for fear they won’t be “right” or perfect
Over focusing on minor mistakes and then beating yourself up
Jumping down rabbit holes of self-criticism and doubt about your abilities
Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism
Here are a few tactical strategies you can implement now:
Track Perfectionist Thoughts and Triggers
Simply keep track of what triggers perfectionist thinking and what thoughts you observe in those moments. Understanding when they tend to emerge will help you learn to manage them.
Understand Emotions to Foster Growth
Recognize your feelings around mistakes or not meeting your standards. If a project falls short, instead of beating yourself up, see it as a lesson. This builds resilience and a growth mindset.
Adjust Your Inner Dialogue
Be mindful of perfectionist self-talk. Change "Everything must be perfect" to "I'll do my best and learn from my mistakes." Kindly adjusting your inner narrative reduces perfectionism's pressure. (Learn how here.)
Acknowledge Effort and Celebrate Small Wins
Recognize effort and small achievements, it can feel awkward first but gets easier. This shifts focus to learning and growth, reinforcing the value of each step forward. (Learn how here.)
Focus on Progress Over Perfection
Prioritize progress instead of perfection. Embrace each step forward, understanding that growth happens gradually and perfection is an unattainable standard.
Summary
Perfectionism is on the rise, and the chase after flawlessness helps no one. With self compassion and a shift in mindset, we can break free of its grip. Progress, not perfection, paves the path to unlocking our greatest potential, both personally and professionally.
The freedom to be imperfect is the freedom to thrive.
Key Takeaways
Perfectionism:
– Often leads to more harm than good
– Stems from deep-seated fears and societal pressures
– Is fueled by fear of failure and shame
– Leads to procrastination, missed opportunities, and risk aversion
– Causes relentless self-criticism and robs us of joy and fulfillment.
Ideas for Action to Overcome Perfectionism
– Actively challenge and reframe perfectionist thoughts
– Embrace setbacks as opportunities for personal growth
– Shift your inner dialogue to focus on learning
– Acknowledge and celebrate every effort and achievement
– Prioritize making progress over achieving perfection.
Thought Provoker
How can you embrace imperfection as strength?
Learning to overcome these tendencies not only helps you be more productive but it will help you show up better for yourself and others.
If I can do it, so can you. And if you need help, reach out because you don’t have to do it alone.
With appreciation,
Rey
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References:
Curran T, Hill AP. Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychol Bull. 2019;145(4):410-429. doi:10.1037/bul0000138
Moroz M, Dunkley DM. Self-critical perfectionism, experiential avoidance, and depressive and anxious symptoms over two years: A three-wave longitudinal study. Behav Res Ther. 2019;112:18-27. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.11.006
Soenens B, Elliot AJ, Goossens L, Vansteenkiste M, Luyten P, Duriez, B. The Intergenerational Transmission of Perfectionism: Parents' Psychological Control as an Intervening Variable. Journal of Family Psychology [Internet]. 2005 [cited 2023 Feb 17]; 19(3):358-366.
Stoeber J, Damian LE, Madigan DJ. Perfectionism: A motivational perspective. In: Stoeber J, ed. The Psychology of Perfectionism: Theory, Research, Applications. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group; 2018:19-43.
Dweck CS. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House; 2006.