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Breaking the Chains of “Should”
How to Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself & What You Can Do Instead
Rey Castellanos
March 31, 2024
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Read Time: 4 minutes
A few weeks ago, I hit a wall.
Things weren't going as expected and I caught myself doing something that I ALWAYS call my clients on.
One of my big goals this year has been to cultivate my writing practice while building my personal brand on LinkedIn.
I've been putting a lot of effort into improving my writing and content along the way and it's starting to show.
But it hasn’t been going as fast as I expected.
So, I started beating myself up with a bunch of “shoulds.”
I should be farther along.
My content should be better.
This should be easier.
This shouldn't be taking so long.
This quickly spiraled into comparing myself to others who have been doing it wayyy longer and were more established.
Luckily, I recognized this pattern and stopped myself from going further down the rabbit hole.
Been there, done that. It's not useful.
So, I took a deep breath, put a pin in it, and figured the best next move was something totally different - I grabbed my dog’s leash and we headed out for a walk.
That was just enough to help me reset, quiet the inner critic and remind myself of why I was doing this all in the first place:
To become a better writer, create value and just try help others by sharing my passion for growth.
Table of Contents
The Problem
Many of us struggle with “shoulding” and don’t even realize it.
I should be more productive.
I should be further along in my career by now.
I shouldn't make mistakes.
Maybe you've just finished a project at work, and instead of celebrating your accomplishment, you're plagued by thoughts of what you should have done better.
Or perhaps you're scrolling through social media, comparing your life to the carefully curated highlight reels of others, and feeling inadequate.
This type of thinking, known as "shoulding", can be incredibly damaging to our wellbeing and progress and can be linked to perfectionism.
Shoulding keeps us stuck in a negative mindset and prevents us from taking action.
Over time, it erodes our self-esteem and motivation.
Shoulding is a form of self criticism and often stems from internalized expectations and standards placed on us by society, family, or ourselves.
We develop a harsh inner critic that constantly points out where we are falling short.
"The word 'should' is a prison for your potential."
Why It Matters
The Science
Research shows that self-criticism is associated with lower motivation and decreased self-control.1
In other words, beating yourself up over what you "should" be doing is counterproductive and causes:
Increased Stress and Anxiety
Shoulding puts immense pressure on us, leading to chronic stress and anxiety. This negatively impacts our mental and physical health.
Impaired performance
Ironically, harsh self-criticism impairs our ability to achieve our goals. We are more likely to self-sabotage or avoid challenging ourselves.2
Relationship Damage
Constantly feeling like we are falling short makes it hard to be present with others. We may feel irritable or unworthy of connection.
The good news is that practicing self-compassion—the antidote to self-criticism—has been associated with greater resilience, happiness, and overall well-being.3
Self-compassion lowers cortisol levels. Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone.
Those who kinder to themselves have lower baseline cortisol levels throughout the day compared to self-critics.4
Additionally, Self-acceptance is linked to motivation and growth.
The more we accept ourselves as we are in the present, the more empowered we feel to make positive changes for the future.5
The Personal Impact
On a personal level, shoulding keeps us trapped in shame and self-doubt. We feel like we are never good enough. This affects our overall life satisfaction and ability to find fulfillment.
Imagine how different life would feel if you approached yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you extend to your loved ones.
By learning to be kinder and more understanding toward ourselves, we can break free from the cycle of self-judgment and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and resilience.
Leadership Impact
As leaders, if we are constantly shoulding ourselves, we will pass this mindset onto our team. Our ability to show ourselves compassion directly impacts our effectiveness and influence.
When we lead with self-compassion, we create a culture of psychological safety and trust, empowering our team members to take risks and innovate.
Research has shown that self-compassionate leaders are perceived as more authentic and empathetic, fostering stronger relationships and higher levels of employee engagement and satisfaction.6
"Every time we 'should' ourselves, we are choosing to live someone else's life."
Take Action
How to Stop “Shoulding” All Over Yourself
Catch Yourself “Shoulding”
Awareness is key. Start to notice yourself using should statements. Separate facts from judgments.
Challenge Your Assumptions
Ask yourself, "According to whom?" Who says you should be doing XYZ? Is that realistic or helpful?
Replace “Should” with “Could”
Could implies choice. "I could do X" is more empowering than "I should do X." Focus on what is in your control.
Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness. Acknowledge that setbacks and imperfections are part of being human. Give yourself permission to be a work-in-progress.
Interrupt the Should Spiral
When you catch yourself falling into a “should spiral”, stop what you are doing and move your body and/or change your environment. These physical changes can help shift your mindset.
Summary
The habit of self-judgment fills our inner dialogue with unrealistic “should” statements that fuel anxiety and suffering.
By systematically practicing self-care and self-compassion, we can rewrite old mental programming and ease unnecessary suffering.
As we relax into greater self-acceptance, we empower ourselves to live and lead more genuinely.
Key Takeaways
— Shoulding is a form of self-criticism and self-judgment
— Shoulding increases stress and anxiety & impairs performance
— Self compassion is the antidote to self-criticism
— When we accept ourselves as we are we feel more empowered to make changes
Ideas for Action
— Catch yourself using should statements
— Interrupt “Should Spirals” by changing your environment or moving your body
— Practice Self- Compassion
— Replace “should” with “could”
Thought Provoker
Where did my "shoulds" come from, and whose expectations am I really trying to meet?
Remember, everyone “shoulds” once in a while, even when they are trying not to. Instead of beating yourself up, try using “should” as a reminder to practice self-compassion.
Little shifts like this can lead to HUGE transformations.
With appreciation,
Rey
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References:
1. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
2. Powers, T. A., Koestner, R., Zuroff, D. C., Milyavskaya, M., & Gorin, A. A. (2011). The effects of self-criticism and self-oriented perfectionism on goal pursuit. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(7), 964-975.
3. Raes, F., et al. (2011). The relationship between self-compassion and the Big Five personality traits in a Belgian sample. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(5), 756-761.
4.Brienes, J., Toole, A., Tu, C., & Chen, S. (2014). Self-compassion, stress, and coping in the context of chronic illness. Self and Identity, 13(3), 334-347.
5. Xu, X., Zhou, X., & Chen, S. (2020). Self-acceptance and personal growth: Theory and research. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 1399.
6.Neff, K. D., & Harter, S. (2002). The role of authenticity in healthy psychological functioning and subjective well-being. Annals of the American Psychotherapy Association, 5(6), 18-20.