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- Are You Avoiding Being A Leader?
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Hiding is easy, and we all do it well.
Some hide at work, while others hide in their personal lives.
It starts small.
A little hiding here.
A little avoidance there.
Before you know it, a pattern starts to form, and we find ourselves playing not to lose instead of playing to win.
Over the years, I've learned from countless coaching conversations with high performers, as well as my own journey about the ways we hide and avoid showing up.
Here are some common examples:
In our work lives:
Not speaking up to avoid conflict
Not asking for help when we’re struggling
Staying in a job that doesn't serve you
Trying to be perfect all the time (fear of failure)
In our personal lives:
Avoiding difficult conversations
Procrastination (oh, hey Netflix!)
Blaming others and not taking responsibility
Staying in relationships that don't serve you
When I first began coaching at age 24, I was often paralyzed by fear.
Being 20 years younger than the industry average and coaching leaders two to three times my age was intimidating.
To say I was written off often would be an understatement.
Internally, I had my own doubts which were amplified by all the resistance I encountered, often by those closest to me.
I’d never wanted something so badly and been met with so much resistance at the same time.
“What the f*#$ am I doing?” and “Am I ready?” were a substantial part of my internal dialogue.
I found myself hiding in all sorts of ways often disguised by what felt like "productivity.”
I hid by procrastinating and over planning.
The busier I kept myself, the less I had to deal with facing the fact that I was scared.
I hid by making excuses and then rationalizing them.
And I hid behind learning.
Learning felt productive, — but I used it as a way to play it safe.
I felt if I knew everything, then I could avoid making mistakes and looking stupid.
Sometimes I knew I was hiding. Other times I didn’t because I stayed so busy I created the illusion of being productive.
I wasted both time and money and only extended the fear and discomfort I was experiencing by pushing it aside.
Then one day everything changed.
My coach at the time asked me a question that hit me like a ton of bricks: “What's more important: feeling comfortable and safe or making the contribution you are here to make?”
At that moment, I could clearly see how I had been choosing to live through fear rather than purpose.
I was avoiding being a leader in my life.
Table of Contents
The Problem
When we hide, we choose to lose by default.
We're not just avoiding discomfort—we're actively choosing to play small.
We're letting our fears dictate our actions and limit our potential.
And over time, this takes a toll.
Hiding erodes our confidence and self-worth.
It keeps us stuck in unfulfilling jobs and relationships.
It prevents us from going after our dreams and making the impact we're capable of.
Ultimately, it robs us of the rich, vibrant, purposeful life we deeply crave.
But why do we do this?
Why do we hide, even when we know it's holding us back?
Often, it's because we're afraid.
We're afraid of failure, of rejection, of not being good enough.
We're afraid of the discomfort and uncertainty that comes with stepping outside our comfort zone.
So we play it safe.
We choose the path of least resistance.
We choose the pain we are familiar with and know we can survive rather than the pain of uncertainty.
We choose to settle for less than what we are capable of.
Why It Matters
When we choose to stop hiding and start showing up, we not only transform our own lives—we create ripple effects that touch everyone around us.
We become an example of courage and authenticity.
Choosing to show up can be a force for positive change in our families, our workplaces, and our communities.
Studies show that individuals with a growth mindset, who embrace challenges and see failure as a learning opportunity, achieve significantly more in their careers and lives.1
They're more resilient in the face of setbacks, more innovative in their thinking, and more likely to reach their full potential.2
The Personal Impact
Imagine, for a moment, what your life could look like if you committed to showing up powerfully, instead of hiding.
Imagine the impact you could make, the experiences you could have and the person you could become.
Perhaps you'd finally have that tough conversation with your partner, leading to a new depth of intimacy and connection.
Maybe you'd pursue that dream career change, finding a new level of fulfillment and purpose in your work.
It won't be easy, but it's what a rich, meaningful life is all about. The journey of personal growth and aliveness awaits when you stop hiding and start showing up.
Leadership Impact
In leadership, the impact of playing to win is even more pronounced.
Leaders who have the courage to show up authentically and take bold action inspire their teams to do the same. They create cultures of psychological safety, where people feel empowered to take risks, speak their truth, and bring their whole selves to work.
And this unleashes a level of innovation, creativity, and performance that hiding simply can't match.3
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Take Action
How to Stop Hiding and Start Showing Up
Slow down and pay attention
You can’t change what you can’t see. We tend to move faster when under stress and our behavior becomes reactionary. Slowing down enough to be present is key. Being present enough not to react, allows you the opportunity to respond appropriately instead.
Identify what is most important
Finding purpose can be a powerful tool to move beyond fear because it’s easier to play for something bigger than yourself. Identify what is most important to you and what you are taking a stand for. Then, stay connected to it.
Decide how you’d rather show up instead
Hiding can often be a gut reaction, especially if it’s your default. Don’t go in blind; create a game plan. Identify your triggers and normal reactions, and then decide what your ideal response would be if you were connected to what's most important.
Speak your truth
Hiding often involves silencing our authentic voice, our true perspectives and ideas. But your voice matters. Your truth matters. Practice speaking up, even when it feels risky. Share your ideas in meetings, give feedback and have tough conversations. The more you exercise this muscle, the stronger it will become.
Focus on progress, not perfection
Perfectionism is a form of hiding. It's a way of avoiding the vulnerability of putting our work and ourselves out there when it's not yet "perfect." But perfectionism is an illusion. Shift your focus to progress instead.
(Check out this article here.)
Summary
Hiding and playing not to lose is a natural human instinct. But it comes at a great cost—to our success, our impact, and our fulfillment.
When we choose to stop hiding and start showing up powerfully, we not only transform our own lives, but we also inspire transformation in those around us.
Key Takeaways
– Hiding and playing not to lose limits our potential and impact
– Showing up powerfully transforms our lives and inspires others
– As leaders, playing to win creates cultures of innovation and high performance
Ideas for Action
– Slow down and pay attention to uncover how you hide
– Speaking your truth is a muscle you can build with practice
– Focus on progress over perfection
Thought Provoker
Are you playing to win or not to lose?
Remember, we all hide. What’s more important is how you decide to move forward.
The world needs more of us to show up as the leaders we were born to be. Start by choosing to stop hiding, and start showing up.
With appreciation,
Rey
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P.S. Whenever you’re ready, here is how I can help.
READY TO LEVEL UP?
If you're a founder, leader, or high-performer, interested in coaching you can learn more here or schedule a free strategy session. Let's win together.
References:
Dweck, C. S. (2008). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House Digital, Inc.
Gong, Y., Huang, J. C., & Farh, J. L. (2009). Employee learning orientation, transformational leadership, and employee creativity: The mediating role of employee creative self-efficacy. Academy of management Journal, 52(4), 765-778.
Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. John Wiley & Sons.